Why Complex Trauma Is Called Complex Trauma
Written by Roland Bal
Any overwhelming experience or period in life will create some form of fight, flight, freeze or fawn response. Depending on what you have gone through, and its duration, you will resort to some of these survival responses, retrospectively, in times of crisis.
The fight or flight response is normally more readily available in order to deal with distressing situations. Childhood trauma and complex traumatic situations are often sustained over extended periods, and so are not only the result of one-off incidents. This renders just one particular survival response quite often insufficient.
With complex trauma and childhood trauma you will likely see a variety of combinations of the fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses — and even these combinations could be different depending on the particular person you are with, and the circumstances in which your survival patterns get triggered.
Another good reason for calling it complex trauma.
Survival Response Combinations with Complex Trauma
Let us look at that through an example.
You are a wanted child by your mother but not by your father. Your mother is insecure and in need of love and attention, to feel her own self-worth. In contrast to that, your father is often absent and neglectful, and when he is around, belittles you by being overtly abusive and demanding.
The possible patterns you form regarding your mother are: flight, when her neediness and the skillful manipulation that goes with it becomes overbearing, followed by dissociation and a freeze response when her assaults are relentless and your mutual reactions keep triggering each other.
Any overwhelming experience or period in life will create some form of fight, flight, freeze or fawn response.
With your father, you might go into fight mode first, whenever he becomes physically, verbally, or even sexually abusive. When fight doesn't yield results, you might go into agreeing or pleasing, in an attempt to avoid any furthering of prolonged abuse. If that proves futile and the abuse continues, the last resort is to dissociate, by moving into a freeze state.
In cases of recurring and long-lasting traumatic periods, the complexity of traumatic adaptation patterns continues to deepen.
Complex Trauma Is Composed of Layers of Dissociation
Later in life, when someone exhibits similar behavior patterns to one of your parents — such as a boss or partner — you might get triggered, and start acting out similar coping patterns that you adopted as a child.
On top of all that, reason will kick in, and you will challenge yourself as to why you still respond with so much complexity and emotion, right up to this present moment of your life. This further compounds and maintains, in a fixed way, your emotional state — by way of guilt, self-reproach, and blame.
Childhood Trauma Is Complex By Its Very Nature
Trauma, especially childhood trauma, is complex by its very nature. It cannot be otherwise, as it spans periods within life rather than separate incidents. The nervous system organises itself around survival during the years when it should be developing the capacity for regulation, connection, and trust — and that organisation becomes the lens through which every subsequent relationship is perceived.
This is why the same person can trigger fight in one context and freeze in another. The response is not random. It is pattern-matching — the nervous system recognising echoes of old environments in new ones, and defaulting to whatever kept you safest then.
Question: Which adult figure in your childhood was most abusive to you — and what combination of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn did you adopt? Leave your comment below.
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87 Comments
Guess it was my mother, however the story is I was so wanted and I was definitely surrounded by loving older siblings. She had no way of showing love nor affection except breastfeeding. I was always seeking her approval never good enough jealous of younger siblings who were kind of perfect. Got bored of it, saw right thru her manipulative psychology and rebelled in teens. Fight & anger it is all a cover for the hurt. Too much. Dad was loving. It is complex! Chose a 1st husband who was distant, non communicative, judgemental and degrading.
Mother: i felt she rejected me for others that came after. Ambivalent attachment because she could only be close through breastfeeding. Fight and anger belies the hurt and then I 'chose' a distant, uncommunicative 1st husband and now daughter and I are going through tough teens. Complex trauma is complex alright. I think I had a pretty good family life though.
Mother, all combination of strategies, multi layered and still unpicking the complexity of it all. A lot of confusion and dissociation, fight and avoidance, rationalisation and over-thinking, definitely also a lot of freeze!
How timely this is. I think sleep should be added. My father used to drink and drive when I was a child. My mother would plead with him to slow down, which served to fuel his lead foot onto the gas peddle. My siblings and I were trapped in the car going on long trips. For us kids, there was no fight or flight or pleading. I guess freeze came into play, but too, I remember falling asleep. Maybe this was a way of shutting down. I knew I was helpless so maybe sleep is another defense mechanism. This situation was repeated recently with my husband, and I did fall asleep. Some sort of learned helplessness I guess. I never viewed this as traumatic until this recent episode.
Thanks for your post, Ella, you are the first person to relate to the sleep response.
Sleeping is considered a freeze response. It happens to me a lot. Stores used to be a big trigger for me and i would become so tired so fast that It would take all of my will not to lie down on the ground and just sleep.
That's interesting because I use sleep now as an adult to withdraw! I go to conferences for work. The overwhelm of people, lights, and noise cause me to be exhausted, and I will go to my room and sleep for hours.
Father and it was definitely freeze…followed by flight. Please to manipulate later became a strategy. Starting to resolve the anger I have about being ripped off of having coping skills and all the train wreck stuff that childhood trauma sent me into. Have found that by understanding this pattern, and doing things like EMDR, hypnosis, massage, yoga, meditation and exercise…I can begin to feel more at peace and not always that underlying feeling of I can't relax, can't stop my brain or else. It's been a lot of years of work and self reflection and always trying things Another Way. What it gave me or what I have always had is this sense of wanting to help others and not have people feel alone. Love is the answer.
Not just parents but siblings as well. One of my earliest childhood memories, at about age 3, was being cornered in the garage by my older brothers and their friends being pelted with crab apples. In my life, fight was the only effective response to most of what went on.
Flight with my father. Tried running away from home. Climbed out the window and tried to get to my aunties house but was brought back home.
Brother – Freeze, pleasing, fight. Sexually abused. Dad abrasive and pushed me away when I needed comfort. Tried desperately to get his attention by pleasing. Mom too busy to notice abuse. Brother always high, justifying his abuse. Finally felt defeated and quit fighting. That led me to freeze.
Depends on the type of suffering as to who was most abusive. Freeze especially, and flight and fawn are often present.
Mother and father. Fight, dissociation to this day. When something happens I can block it off immediately, tell my brain it is not true but my brain is constantly on alert and i am ready for fight at all times.
Adoptive mother. Fight initially as I'd scream and cry and was left alone to manage, until I gave up and 'behaved'. She had a fearful temper. Mostly freeze after that, and please. Flight once I was old enough. Still too afraid to fight, though I'm in my 50s and she is long dead . . . ugh.
My dad sexually abused me. I definitely would freeze and try to please later.
I think my mother was my main abuser but it was severe neglect that both parents, grandmother was very abusive too. They all each had different effects on top of parents never getting us help after being molested that lead to many re-victimization. I am a freeze type with fawn characteristics and am dealing with a lot of childhood memory loss.
My brother sexually/physically/emotionally abused me most of my childhood. Anything that reminds me of him causes fight. Even if it is subconcious, such as a certain smell or sound. My Mother and Father were mostly mentally abusive/physical. With them it is typically flight. I used to run away often as a child.
Mother – fight peppered with a light need to please. She bullied me and father was only emotionally available when it was he and I alone on sports trips (he was my coach). I dissociated and raged against my mother and 1st husband. 2nd husband beat that out of me so dissociation with please, fight, flight and freeze all becoming tools in my survivalist toolbox. I now seek out similar risky behavior and scenarios.
Many adults in my life have caused a lot of trauma. From childhood up til I was 36. Very intense abuse. Was a crack baby and never received any love, involved in abuse and hide other predators abuse, by my mother: so many traumas by her that I never know how I am going to react to anything and it takes days or weeks to recover from. Just from her I have CPTSD.
My situation wasn't like this. I had medical issues, surgery at a young age, follow up procedures, etc. I was also in a lot of pain. So that was traumatic. Also I had to take medication but fought it and my parents did the only thing that occurred to them (or the doctors) which was restrain me and make me take it. I was also severely bullied and had a therapist who contributed to my emotional pain but thought he was helping. I also had undiagnosed Asperger's and ADD. And then there were some other things. So I wasn't abused. But if I had to classify it as "most" abusive, I couldn't even pick because it wasn't.. it was just small things over and over. As to the question — which one did I adopt — well, depends on the situation.
Hi AMouse, it is my understanding that the severity of the trauma is not measured by the circumstances that caused it, but rather by how our young selves respond or cope with it. If you relate to the feelings (or lack of feelings and/or memory), then just keep sharing. This guy, Roland seems to really know what he is talking about and if it resonates with you, keep sharing.
I was sexually abused by my father recently… And physically also.. My mother seemed like she disappeared when the damage was being done… I have personally used fight, flight, freeze and please.. After suffering at their hands till I was 18 I became an expert at using them all.
Wow, you must be so strong, I wish I were that strong, or that aware. I guess because I was a kid, really young, my body just did what it could to survive. I wish I could pick and choose defenses, but it's not that way for me. YET! Seriously working on it, though.
This was a reply to Shaneda… meaning… you must be strong to become an expert.
Mother, I started with flight, but then I worked out that when she caught me it'd be worse so it became freeze. In between it was please. I tried to do everything so that I didn't upset her. As I got older I realised just the space I occupied was enough. So I cared less. Then she was diagnosed with a progressive illness and I was glad. But not free — she still managed to manipulate those around her. She was also so adept at psychological warfare. Sounds like I'm whinging. I'm not the worst off by far.
My mother was verbally abusive and at times physical. But her words had to be the most hurtful thing I have ever endured. I'm 31yrs old and she can still make me feel like I'm 5yrs helpless, with one sentence. But close second, my step dad whom beat me physically and verbally and his son whom sexually abused me for years. Then everyone whom I ever dated was abusive in one form or another. Life can be shit.
My father's best friend sexually abused me and my sister for about 4 years in front of each other. My parents didn't know and i pleased to cope. Dissociated while it was happening. My mother was emotionally unavailable. My father absent. I fought with my parents and ran away from home a few times. I feel like a mess machine as i can't function in normal intimate relationships. It's just too overwhelming.
Thanks for sharing Emma!
I think I did it all. Fight, flight and freeze in that order. First you resist in any way you can. When that doesn't work you try and escape, any way you can. And then you freeze and start internalizing the fear. Shutting down. Climbing into whatever box seems the safest. You learn to live like this, being presumed difficult with so many walls up that you can't get out and no-one else can get in. Then you start growing up eventually, which I only started doing in my 50's, and you learn the art of response not reaction. But still, there are moments when that little girl feels utterly abandoned and vulnerable and all the old wiring starts popping and buzzing and she unwittingly messes everything up and has to pick up the pieces and start again. It's very sad and very hard and takes great courage. Here's to us all. Warriors forever.
Warriors!!
… and indeed warriors!
Hey Juanita, Your response touched me. Only I like to think of "little me" as not messing things up, but rather responding to turmoil in the only way she knows how, without much information and with the mind of a six or a three, or a four-year-old. She only knows what she knows, and that is blanketed in fear. Be gentle with her. For me, I am told to love her unconditionally. All the best on your journey.
Hi Juanita, I recently went through this when I came back to take care of my abusive, Cluster B father while he died of Pancreatic Cancer. He lived 16 of the longest and most terrible months of my life. I am also in my 50s — I fought with his Flying Monkeys he brought in to control me; after a particularly bad panic attack, I took off to the beach and sat for a couple hours; and one night that I didn't cook his meal at 4 PM there was an emergency meeting the next morning when a particularly nasty FM was brought in to "help" because I was now "unreliable." So I climbed into an emotional box of sorts (freeze) and did what they wanted but I did not, for one instance, please. He went in a nursing home after all the crap he pulled. What a legacy to leave behind.
My aunt was emotionally and psychologically abusive to both my brother and I throughout my childhood. I definitely got the worst of it though and for a long time I would freeze/please. I just wanted her approval, and couldn't understand why she seemed to love the other children in her life. When she started on my brother, a bit of fight came out, which, combined with the death of my father — my only ally — resulted in some severe anger issues and a seemingly endless stretch of about 6 years in fight-mode. I retaliated, fought back and eventually just asked my friend to drive me somewhere. I didn't care where, I just needed to get out. I am trying to work through my issues and it seems to get a little better over time but this is something I still struggle with on a daily basis.
It was freeze, fright and flight with my siblings. I had 4 brothers sexually abuse and rape me as a child. Not all together, during different periods of my life from age 4 until 17. One of my abusers died when I was 9 and another was sentenced to 5 years imprisonment last year for rape and 5 sexual assaults. The other 2 the police couldn't gather enough evidence for so they're still walking free in the next town to where I live — so heightened vigilance all the time when I'm out. It's so tiring and draining being in this mode. Never give up the fight is my motto. We are all warriors.
Age 4 when it started not 44.
My father was absent. My mother was emotionally unavailable, but my sister was the worst. She had her own share of childhood trauma and since we were always left to our own devices, my mom spending all her time at the bar, I became a target for my sister's anger. She used to beat me up, trip me, hit me in the back without reason, intentionally ruin my things, or give them away. I was a pleaser. I did my chores plus hers so neither of us would get scolded. To this day my sister invests all her time in trying to take me down or ruin anything good in my life. I've never been in a healthy relationship and have no idea what love is.
My Childhood was a mess. For me, it was a step-mother. My own mother passed away when I was seven months old. I was shuffled around as an infant and toddler to anyone who would offer to watch me, finally ending up with my grandmother. I stayed with her till I was almost five and then I was made a ward of the state in Illinois. My father finally accepted me back. His new wife had mental and emotional issues and was extremely, unpredictably violent. I spent my early childhood in fear. It was a mixed bag of physical abuse, verbal abuse and molestation. I guess I would most associate with fight or flight. I was always on high alert and I avoided being home as much as possible. As I got older, I learned to "shut down," not feel anything. I actually became really good at that, to the point where I wouldn't feel any physical pain being given.
Complete healing is possible, but memories will not be blocked. I use my memories to make me strong and remind me that I can get through anything. I have forgiven my step dad, mom and siblings. You have to be patient with yourself and not feel guilty — you are not to blame in any way. Forgive yourself for shutting down. That is possibly the hardest and last part towards full healing. God bless, praying for you.
Step dad, siblings and mother – all my life from the age of 4. Sexual abuse and mother allowing it. Siblings saying I was spoilt as step dad always took me out without them — to molest me. Result was jealousy and cruelty and put downs, even when they found out the truth. Mother knew what was going on from age 7 till 12 but did nothing. My eldest half sister called the welfare so the molestation stopped but the abuse and lies continue today still and I am 64. I have now cut all communication with family, as they are only negative and insulting. After years of counselling I healed and forgave them. Then last year got married again to a narc and sociopath that tried to kill me and I had to run away. Again into trauma counselling and am healing back in the UK. I am starting my life over.
My grandpa was sexually abusive. My family is narcissistic. I dissociate from them. I have eating disorders and control issues. I manage it with positive thoughts and attitude, as well as exercise. I developed PTSD 9 years ago and exercise helps with that too. The running community is a great help and I help others whenever I can too.
Yes I find helping others helps me too. Keep up the good work.
Thankyou.
I cannot remember most of my early childhood. My mom was too busy with her own trauma and I was quiet. I kept to myself and I did not bother anybody. She could be verbally and emotionally abusive and would use excessive force when she punished me. I don't really know what defense I use. I disappear. A friend says that I project a field of "don't see me, I'm not here". I desperately am trying to find out who I am. I turned into a chameleon.
I have found out that if you do not remember your childhood it is due to trauma. I only found out in my 40's after hypnosis what had gone on. When I confronted my parents about it, my step dad went silent, my mom shouted at me and said do not bring up shit and you have no proof, then she walked off. My stepdad apologized for it on his death bed. I have learnt to cry — it is a step in healing. I have learnt not to feel guilty anymore for things beyond my control. I have forgiven all of them. Blood is not thicker than water. It is up to you who you have in your life and who not. Stay strong. God bless.
Anon, your story touched me as I can relate with similar things. I don't remember much. Both of us chameleons — and that's pretty amazing! I'm glad you thought of that and shared — such a unique perspective! Sending you hope and I believe in you! If I am starting to slowly become aware, you can too! You have the power in you and always have and always will. Good luck! — fellow proud chameleon.
My mother was physically abusive but I was also sexually abused by three different people. I was literally not safe anywhere I went. With my mother I learned the fight (arguing back to avoid the abuse) followed by the Freeze. The freeze became my default. My fight or flight rarely kick in. When I married my abusive husband I chose the freeze and please route. It's absolutely baffling to most that I married an abuser after growing up the way I did, but honestly, looking back (and after a year of therapy) it's not shocking at all.
With my abusive stepfather, it was most definitely freeze. Then he'd demand — depending on whether or not he was belting me from behind — that I was not allowed to cry or yell out. When he'd yell and demean, he'd demand I look into his eyes… I would stare at his mole at the top of his nose. Dissociation I guess. With my mother, it was fawn. No matter what, she would threaten to leave me, stop the car and put me on the side of the road, or tell my stepfather and then he'd beat me. I have realised that throughout my life, people would trigger me and I would almost be automatic in my behaviour.
I am so sorry you went through this. I know what it is like to be abused by both parents and half siblings. I decided that I would not freeze or put up with any type of abuse ever again. I surround myself with honest supportive and positive people — some have become closer than my own family ever were. It is hard, but baby steps and one day at a time is the way to do it. Cut out abusive, negative people completely even if that means family. Helping others also helps to heal you. I now do voluntary care work with the terminally ill and it helps me to heal and be positive.
I am one of four siblings. My older brother and I were verbally and physically abused by my late Dad. My mother never tried to stop him. At the age of 16, I tried to commit suicide by taking mixed tablets. I phoned my mother and she asked me to walk to the doctor which was around the corner. When I got home, my father asked me to come and talk to him and for the first time in my life I heard him apologise. Our relationship changed for the better. However I suffered with huge self esteem issues. I eventually went for a regression and found out that whilst my Mom was pregnant with me, my parents fought a lot and he hit her to try and abort me. I now have an eating disorder whereby I hate food. My husband understood all this and has stuck with me.
I am so glad you got help and that your dad apologized, it means a lot. You sound like you have a very loving and supportive husband, that is good and now you can heal completely. Keep up the good work.
Mother. Judgmental, critical, manipulative, needy.
My mother. She dolled me up and pranced me around to feed her ego. Once I became 14 she treated me like the competition and abandoned me to go marry an extremely physically abusive man that stole my inheritance.
Mother and stepfather. He molested, mom didn't believe me. Still doesn't. I moved out at 15, so flight was my defense. Unfortunately I now find myself caring for a mother that enrages me on a regular basis. Therapy helps somewhat but my anxiety and anger continue to grow.
Adopted after abused in orphanage. Once adopted — narcissistic mum. Physically, mentally, emotionally abusive. Master of manipulation. Has left me with a crippling belief of never being good enough, never knowing how to react correctly, always self punishing afterwards for having fun and letting my guard down, unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings for fear of judgement and punishment. Suicidal thoughts as a teenager. Prefer my own company to any other human now. 1st marriage disaster — married compulsive liar, manipulator, abuser on all levels. I refuse to treat my children the same as I was treated. Give me an animal any day!
Both parents abusive, mentally ill alcoholics. Fight and please was my response. I had to care for my 3 younger siblings so I learned to shut up, take it, then make everyone happy. Lots and lots of other trauma too…this was the beginning. ❤
Mother, uncle, school bullies……fight and flight. I fought hard as a child. Endured abuse at the hands of many. The flight was me saying ENOUGH and exiting. Usually consisted of me moving to the opposite coast line and staying gone for almost 20 yrs.
Both parents. Raped by my father at 2 years old, blamed by my mother for the rest of her life…Am only now at 57 dealing with the terrible aloneness of growing up in a family like what I had.
While I do know childhood trauma is real, and I want to thank you for stating that trauma goes on for periods of time for many, I also wanted to share my frustration at inviting comments only about childhood trauma. So many are betrayed during periods of traumatization who, if believed and taken seriously about being unsafe, could be assisted to be safe. When it comes to mental health workers we cannot be safe with them when traumatized if they deny and focus only on the past.
This article goes more into the relationship between childhood trauma contributing to complex trauma. That said it does not include how multiple traumas in adulthood can just as well lead to complex trauma. The website in general has many different articles and angles.
I was adopted by damaged people in their mid forties and an only child. It would be hard to say who did more damage. They both made me feel inherently faulty. I guess my Mom did the most damage, mostly because I cannot recall more than a few good memories with her. She died when I was 23 and her last words to me were "you say you love me, but…" and then she passed. I have more years with my dad so we have healed somewhat.
Had a complex life. Traumatic childhood. Sexual abuse. Emotional abuse. Physical abuse. Dissociated all the time. Never stayed in one place long enough to make friends. Had very harmful adult relationships. Worked extremely hard to understand who I am. Lost my 23 year old son in car accident. Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Starting to slowly come off all the meds. Still struggle with nightmares and PTSD.
Thx for sharing your story. Keep tuned in here to assist your recovery.
Freeze and please. Stepfather emotionally, physically, and sexually abused me (the first two he also did to my three younger sisters). It manifested later when I moved in with my aunt, and her husband took advantage of my weak emotional state.
Depends on what time in my life and the way they abused me — each had a different abuse they inflicted, be it physical, verbal, mental, emotional or sexual. My 1st step-dad, my Mom, my 2nd step-dad and my foster brother. With my 1st step-dad it was freeze and please, Mom it was please until I was old enough to fight back then it was fight, 2nd step-dad it was fight. Foster Brother it was freeze and please.
Chronologically — 1. Adoptive father — very non-emotional, non-verbal, argued constantly with my mother, lots of yelling. I pleased my father by playing sports, fishing with him, attending church. 2. As a 4th or 5th grader walking home from school, I was sexually assaulted. I was too embarrassed to tell everyone what happened and downplayed my fear. 3. As a freshman in high school, I dated a senior (JL), then broke up with him. JL would wait in his car in the alley behind my house starting at 4am. One evening he pointed a gun in my face. He stalked me for almost 20 years until I found the courage to ask him to finally leave me alone. 4. I started dating a wonderful guy who later became a police officer. His college drinking was more of a problem than a phase. I left him 3 months after buying our house together. 5. Six months later, my 51 year old mother had a major stroke. My ex-boyfriend played me like a fiddle. Within 6 months, we were married. The abuse started soon after. Once I finally divorced him, he did everything in his power to make my next marriage miserable. I am now divorced a second time, and the father of my children has left us all in emotional shambles. I could go on and on with absolutely nothing good or positive to say.
I also omitted the trauma of 3 loved ones dying in the same year: my grandmother, my adoptive mother, and my biological father (to suicide) all in 2010. I was physically present with my mother when she died in Hospice. Recently, my step-mother died from ovarian cancer. I really could go on and on.
Hi Brooke, please make your next comments a bit shorter. I approved this one for now but do keep this in mind. Thank you!
Mother: I was an only child and she was in-and-out of relationships and 9 marriages. There was rarely a sense of stability or security. She was abusive and my worst bully. Attempted suicides and violent outbursts were common practice and now I use freeze and fight responses to practically everything in life; it's debilitating. Even recognizing triggers, reasons, and patterns does nothing to help resolve the isolation I create for myself. These wounds don't heal and have held me back from everything in life.
Your mother does not define you. You do. So self care is so very important. Isolation has been a form of self preservation. Perhaps finding some "safe" community where you can be accepted for who you are and where you're at could be a start at self liberation. Volunteer and help others — this is so rewarding. There are good kind people out there.
My mother was more abusive. She has not been diagnosed, but many signs point to her being a narcissist according to my therapist. She cheated on my dad a lot and brought men into our house and I was molested by them. So my usual response was freeze. Second most was flight. When I became a teenager and wanted out from under my mom's control, my response became fight. And I fought her tooth and nail. It was like I was fighting for my life. To this day, my #1 trigger response is still freeze.
Both were flight, freeze, manipulate, and torture. It was hard and still is but I've finally started to get their brainwashing out of my head after 35 years and 16 years of self-advocated therapy. Basically, they had no right having kids. I have a Master's degree, worked for 9 years in a career, then had a major breakdown that almost killed me. Now I'm healing but cannot keep a job. 8 doctors wrote letters for me to attain disability, but I can't because I paid into only a pension. I'm staying in a bad relationship for the health care and money. Great system.
I don't remember much, due to resorting to dissociation to cope. I was sexually molested by my brother; uncle exposed himself to me when I was around 6. Mom was more focused on my appearance and her work. My dad unapproachable. My mom attempted suicide by drinking excess pills. When my 1st daughter was born, the flashbacks began. My husband said he couldn't leave work to come home and help me. I have come to the conclusion he has Asperger's. Meditation was a wonderful tool. I am working on being present and dealing with it best I can, so I can move on and be happy in life. Learning to draw my boundaries and be more assertive. Hope you all resolve your past and reach a point of contentment and happiness!
I too had an unapproachable parent, my mother. Father absent until my teens. I have Asperger's and I think it would help in your relationship with your husband if you were to let him know what you need from him. Boundaries are most helpful. Keep in mind your husband too must have boundaries. Blessings.
I was abused in first grade by a man in a Catholic school, beaten with a belt and accused. She would threaten to tell my dad, who was an abusive alcoholic, so I would just cry and say tell my mom — I knew she wouldn't hurt me. My coping mechanisms were trying to become invisible when there was strife, and anytime someone would come at me in an accusing manner I would freeze. It wasn't until I did EMDR that the flashback was finally gone.
Both and every adult that was supposed to be my protector ended up being my abuser. I have all four of those responses that I can't seem to figure out how to change.
My mother needed somebody to take responsibility for her choices, and somewhere safe to put her resentment. I became the family idiot when they IQ tested me and I was genius level. "It was not normal and wasted on a girl," she said. There is a fine line between genius and idiot, she said. She said she loved me with people around, but she really resented every fiber in my being. Everything is an act with her.
I actually subscribed to this as my partner is a disabled war veteran with CPTSD. I was brought up by a woman that, despite being my mother, wasn't. I was rejected because of who my father was. My step dad attempted suicide twice. He finally succeeded in committing suicide after coming on to me when I was 17. I was blamed for his death. For a number of years I haven't spoken to either my half sister nor my mother. I have had depression since my stepdad killing himself, lost my 2 children to the care system as I asked for help. But I fought for my children and I'm now fighting for my partner. I have a handful of good solid friends and despite wanting a big family, I am so lucky as I have good people around me who care and love me.
I too am the scapegoat in my family. Once I realized that is due to their personal issues and not mine, I can cope with that. Still doesn't make me feel good but I no longer have expectations of anything more from them. I find validation elsewhere.
Sleep was a big one for me. My bed was a place where I felt held, safe and secure. If I slept it was about getting away from the thoughts in my head. Trouble was as I got into deep sleep my trauma would start coming up and I'd wake up tossing and turning. Frankincense oil has helped me a lot to let go of my trauma — just smelling it really helps.
That's interesting because I use sleep now as an adult to withdraw! I go to conferences for work. The overwhelm of people, lights, and noise cause me to be exhausted, and I will go to my room and sleep for hours.
Father and mother. Father was more up front about it, mother was more cunning. With father it was freeze/flight/please/freeze/flight, till I realized there was no pleasing him. With mother it was please/flight/please/flight till I realized there was no pleasing her either. Started at the age of 4, went till I was 12 when he passed over, then was handed over to state care at age 13, put back into mother's care, left home to live on streets at 14.
I too suffered from parental neglect and disconnection from family. They made me feel unwanted, invisible, and worthless. Best thing I ever did was to leave. It has been a long time struggle to learn how to meet my needs and feel comfortable that I am on a good path. Relationships are still a problem for me.
Father was absent for most of my life. Didn't know me when he eventually was in the home. Kind but distant and uncommunicative. Mother raised 7 of us, I being the eldest. She was totally self absorbed, uncommunicative and not in tune with our needs other than the physical. So I would say emotional neglect the primary abuse. As the eldest I never felt enough and this translated to me becoming isolating and pleasing. I became a nurse/care giver and when I had a spiritual awakening I became the "proper" Catholic wife to a narcissistic husband who had a violent nature. I became seriously ill, with lupus, was misdiagnosed when on Rx meds and suffered a perforated ulcer and was abused by a doctor who performed a vagotomy which is assault and battery. The physical abuse continued. Family was not interested in my health concerns. What followed was flight from my husband, and some years of alcoholism and self neglect, then fight with family and subsequent disconnection.
Both parents, sister and brother… my response at first in my teens was fight, but with further abuse it became freeze, not able to speak up for myself and pleasing, helping… and a lot of health issues… a lot of damage in all aspects of my life.
Thanks for this article. It would be helpful if the definition and scope of childhood (sexual) abuse could be expanded to include abuse by peers.
The most abusive figure in my childhood was my father. I would freeze, and please, only to freeze again. By this I mean that whenever my father would abuse me I would freeze inside. I tried to please him by doing better. I desired his approval. Yet, this didn't work for me because if my father was not pleased with what I did, how I did it, or with what I said he again would abuse me. I was afraid of my father. Every time I saw him I would freeze inside. Every time he gave me the "look" I would freeze with fear.
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