The Price We Pay When We Choose Loneliness over Love

The Price We Pay When We Choose Loneliness over Love

Love and loneliness are intimately related. They either open up the heart or completely shut it down.

Most of us will experience love at some point in our lives and are left hurt when that love ends. We are bound to get hurt by love when we are younger, as we most likely do not have the capacity to stay and integrate the process of detachment and lost connection just yet.

Decisions We make out of Self-Preservation

Often we make the decision in the moment of hurt to withdraw within ourselves. In the process, however, we close off parts of ourselves to avoid getting hurt more deeply at present, or later on.

When we don’t open up, to be vulnerable and connected with others, we cannot invite love in, and furthermore, the price we pay is the onset of loneliness.

The human need for connectivity is as old as mankind. When we lived in tribes, the punishment of exile from the tribe was considered worse than death. You can imagine then how deep our need for connection is, and how profound is the pain through loss of love.

Reverting back to Love by Moving through Loneliness

As an exercise, observe yourself escaping into loneliness. Follow that feeling so as to really feel the pain of loneliness, in the heart, the breath and the chest. Once you build up a capacity to feel through it, you will come upon the pain of loss of love. See if you can do the same with this feeling. Feel it in its entirety without further dwelling on it as self-pity or escaping from it, but become fully aware of the depth of the pain and sorrow of it.

Resilience is the Container, Love is the Healer

By giving attention to that loss of love and the memories and pain attached to it, you will heal that pain.

Through connecting and loving again, now with more resilience, you will have the possibility to love deeper, knowing that love and relationships will come and go, as with all things in life that are bound by time and space.

Dive deeper into this topic by reading

The Trauma Essential Series

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  1. Tania  September 11, 2017

    Gosh. I feel liberated. Not lonely. Liberated to embrace nature. To embrace the things I love doing. Sacred in my solitude. Liberated to connect at a more profound level to everything and everyone. I am alone. Yes. Alone to be my true self. Not existing to live up to the expectation of others. Not having to justify or explain my actions. Just to ‘do ‘ from my heart. Lonely no. Free to be my most authentic self. Yes.

    ‘Letting love in” what does that mean? We ARE love. Having to measure yourself by someone else’s feeling of love for you is odd. Especially since human love is so intimately tied up with our imprinting when we are pre verbal. Someone else’s feeling of love for you has more to do with them than it does with you….

    ‘The greatest love is the one inside of you’

  2. Gina  October 17, 2017

    I guess I’m not certain how we “choose” loneliness? Perhaps that escapes me. I live alone and most of the time I am okay but there are times when I just feel so devastatingly lonely. The feeling is actually difficult to describe. I could totally relate to the article’s mention of being banished – and that being a fate worse than death– because I’ve felt that devastation. I’m just not certain – in this day and digital age what it is that we do when attempting to make new connections with people is quite difficult and potentially dangerous. It seems to me that mankind now appears to need companionship less and less – with phones in their faces, living in some sort of virtual world. Perhaps it’s just me, but between that barrier and the level of distrust in the world- establishing new contacts is extremely difficult. Believe me, I know I need people, I just do not know how to break through these walls, and I have tried. I detest living my life as it is now, however, I have few answers as to how it is that I can change it. I will never give up hope on mankind — but there are days when I will be alone the rest of my life.

    • Jacqueline du Plessis  February 2, 2018

      Gina, I totally hear you. I have been exactly where you are. And somethings still find moments of the loneliness you describe, but I have learned how to make connections, and this has helped me a lot. Let me know if you’d like me to share how I have done this, in a safe way.


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