How We Idolize the Neglectful Parent Under the Strain of Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse comes in all shapes and sizes. What is often the case is that one parent in a relationship is more dominantly abusive and overbearing then the other. The unequal relationship between them is likely based on their past pains and unresolved issues and has formed, for better or worse, their symbiotic coexistence.
Neglect is as hurtful as abuse and is in itself a form of abuse. When you are born into a family where say, the mother is verbally and physically abusive, and the father turns a blind eye; in this case, the father is considered to be complicit through his negligent attitude towards the abuse.
Perspective is Key
From a child’s perspective, however, being subjected to abuse from one parent means that we idolize the neglectful parent. This may seem illogical from an adult perspective, but from a child’s point of view, this is a survival choice. When one parent is overly abusive, then the neglectful parent might feel as if they are the only one who understands.
In the above example, the father feels just as helpless as the child to stand-up, protect and set boundaries. As a result, he perpetuates an abusive situation. He makes the child a victim of his/her shortcomings.
Accessing and Owning the Hurt of Neglect
When working through childhood domestic abuse, the traumatic memories and emotions related to the abusive and overbearing parent will be more readily available to access and work with than those of the neglectful parent.
Once that residual emotion is owned and processed, it is necessary to work to change the child’s perspective of the neglectful parent and place it in a different light.
This is challenging and takes an enormous effort to access because of the idolization of the neglectful parent.
Attracting the Right People
The aim is to shift perception to an adult integrated perspective and to allow, feel and voice one’s emotions based on the new healthy perspective. It is to give back to each parent their responsibility and re-own healthy boundaries, self-respect, and values.
Sorting out the relationship we have with our parents is one of the most challenging tasks we have to do in our lives. Once we accomplish this, it will greatly improve all relationships and whom you attract to form those relationships.