The Pathology of a Narcissist

Narcissism is, unfortunately, much more prevalent than we might think.

There are certainly no excuses for abuse. It might be helpful, though, for you to understand some of the reasons why someone might become an abuser.

Your character was shaped by the experiences you went through, the support or lack of support you received, and the duration of those experiences.

You made choices out of survival to deal with the challenges that were present in your life. Those choices decided your direction and outlook on life, and in many ways shaped your character.

Your characteristics aren't set in stone. Your patterns, which are set in motion early in life, do seem to be hardwired and they take considerable time to loosen up, rewire, and to disidentify from.

Your character was shaped by the experiences you went through, the support or lack of support you received, and the duration of those experiences.


At the time of the abuse, the choices you made were more necessities than conscious decisions; nonetheless, they influenced your direction in life.

For example, if you grow up with a verbally and physically abusive mom or dad and your way of dealing with this was to avoid conflict (flight) and anticipate your parent’s moods (please) in order to keep the peace, that will contribute to an overall lack of boundaries, suppressed anger, and likely a continuance of seeking approval from others into adult life. Moreover, as long as the trauma related to your past has not been worked through, your patterns will stay in place.

The patterns that a narcissist falls into are a very different category from those described above, though trauma is still the main ingredient.

Narcissism in Society

There are many ways of looking at narcissism and cPTSD. Both from a personal point of view— of what the individual went through—and from a collective point of view—of what is transpiring in society on the whole.

Narcissism is widely promoted and encouraged, unfortunately. The values of society are to look up to those who are successful, ambitious, and can dominate others. Regardless of our reasoning, our animal instincts of the alpha male or alpha female still prevail.

What this profoundly ingrained and biologically hardwired mindset does is that it encourages narcissism, conflict, being selfish, and having disregard for others.

What might start out as a mild form of narcissism in an individual can grow out of proportion in an environment which nurtures it. For example, the many corporations, academic environments, and team sports cultures that have a dog-eat-dog mentality.

If a faulty pattern goes unchecked and even gets applauded, the self-righteousness and sense of accomplishment of a narcissistic individual is further enhanced.

The Pathology of and Dealing with a Narcissist

This brings us to the driving force of a narcissist and how narcissism can cause cPTSD.

Regardless of whether the trauma was neglect or abuse, whether it was mild or severe, a narcissist can be born. The main driving force of narcissists is feeling inadequate, incompetent, and not worthy. Their sole occupation in life is to prove to themselves and to others that they are worthy, adequate and competent.

This strive and ambition are what makes narcissists very clever, elusive, and accomplished people. They are always on the lookout to gain dominance, control, and a sense of achievement, regardless of whether they hurt others in the process. As long as they can hold onto their sense of being special, competent, and in control, their self-indulgent narcissism can thereby continue to cover up their wound—their initial self-image of lack of confidence, inadequacy, and incompetence.

Considering narcissism, it is not hard to imagine how narcissists can become psychopaths in positions of power. Narcissists are rewarded by society through prestige, power, and money.

How do you see narcissism expressed in others? Leave your short comment below!

  • Marla says:

    My apologies. My last comment was rather long. See? Please-appease. In today’s society, the proliferation of social media just stokes collective narcissism and delusions of fame. A psychologist who characterized narcissistic abuse over 25 years ago postulates that society is comprised mostly of narcissists. Everyone is famous on FB, IG, etc. Oops. Did it again. Sorry.

    • Roland says:

      “The proliferation of social media just stokes collective narcissism and delusions of fame”. Unfortunately, yes.

      “A psychologist who characterized narcissistic abuse over 25 years ago postulates that society is comprised mostly of narcissists”. Real narcissists, prob a small percentage only and often comprised of those in power. There are many however with narcissistic traits that do the bidding of narcissists i.e. abuse by proxy. Then, we have a large % of the population who please-appease thereby enabling the abuser. They go hand in glove.

  • Cheryl says:

    The one word that come to mind for me is “CONTROL”. Needing to control everything and everyone they can. But also “DOUBLE LIFE”. E.G. showing the abusive, controlling side of themselves at home and portraying a very different persona to the outside world. Although every now and again they slip up and others see it.

    • Pepa says:

      This is so accurate! I totally relate to what you said. Nice person outside and an abuser at home. This is why it’s so difficult to look for a help outside, when no one believes you.

    • Shirley Mulligan says:

      Yes, yes, yes!!!!

  • Tina says:

    Blocking, avoiding, shaming, belittling, smiling, piling influential ppl such as the extremely rich or clergy on their side? Whatever makes them look good?

  • Amie says:

    Husband is controlling, selfish, and ALWAYS right

  • GuestB says:

    I see it expressed as controlling, blaming, never admitting fault or taking responsibility, manipulating.

  • Jessica L White says:

    Controlling never able admit they are wrong its everyone else fault but theirs catch them in lie and your crazy not what happened fights that never have ended like talking in circles

  • Beth says:

    Controlling coworker

  • Cara says:

    My ex-husband is a narcissist, he would control who I was friends with, how long I stayed on a phone call, what I ate, how much make-up I could wear. I came from a stable upbringing and on most occasions I could handle him, but then he started on the kids, and I knew I had to get out

  • C. says:

    Unfortunately right now , I see narcissism expressed in my entire family system going back generations, and new little narcy’s being born left and right. Due to no one but myself doing therapy, yoga, somatic healing to break generational trauma. It’s scary. Then, unfortunately I married into another narcissistic family system. It’s everywhere. When you are being punished by one Narc , the relative is there to push you towards staying close and abused and just “stop fighting” it. Aka- accept the abuse, we all need you right now for supply. But- the way my Cptsd works? Mixed with awareness and a strong need to break trauma, but not quite know how? Is to fight.

  • smith says:

    And what if you are both that way in the relationship or someone was abused as a child’s and then get with a narrsasist that physically abused would it almost be impossible not to show the same tendencies

  • Mark Coppell says:

    I see it a lack of empathy
    A lack of apology, they are never sorry so they never do anything wrong,anyway you are the bad guy so you deserve and they feel justified

  • Just me says:

    Through not recognizing and celebrating the personhood of others. Everything revolves around appeasing them. They have a god complex. If others challenge them they sometimes play the victim. “Oh yes, blame me, it’s all my fault.” Then the codependent apologizes, feels like what they tried to say was wrong. And round and round we go on the merry go round that never slows.

    • Amanda says:

      Yes I know what you mean. And I would always say ‘here we go again. You’re making me dizzy with your talking in circles ‘

  • Janice Ward says:

    Made me a scapegoat over last 15 years blamed for everything, extreme over the top behaviour, threatens to destroy me. Calls me every name in the book. Do not answer any communication from her.

  • Shirley Mulligan says:

    My son blames me for his narcissistic traits all the time. Shaming me in his vile spitting insults of what a f. . . ed up mother I was. He has even stopped me from caring for his son because of my poor parenting of him as a child apparently .

    I believe I was a kind, attentive and caring mother, trying to survive in a marriage that was abusive with a narcissistic husband.

    I always tried to shield the children from their father but with this son, his insistence to live with his father when we separated just added to a more united front from now two of them.

    He always came back to me when his needs weren’t met by his father, but always returned when he got what he needed.

    After 6 years out of my children’s and my life, he returned. An ice addict, a criminal, a drug dealer, an alcoholic and I’ve been told an incredible abuser of multiple women at one time. Having many women in his life to serve his carried and many needs. Taking responsibility for nothing.

    He has now taken his son from the babies mother and there is a very long history of abuse and lies that I have now discovered about my son.

    I have played him at his game, keeping my cards to my chest, being careful not to let on what I have discovered and know. All for the reason of keeping my grandson safe and keeping my finger on the pulse of what is unfolding. And all was going well.

    Then after an innocuous visit with one of my other children, it all fell apart. I was no longer longer allowed to have my grandson overnight, and then when I asked why and took a step back to process things, he denied me all access to my grandson. Then when I pulled him up politely he unleashed his fury and shame blamed on me, in the most disgusting and vile way!

    I have ignored his comments and not responded. I Am left broken hearted again and have no idea what is going on with my grandson.

    He blames me, but it was his father who was vile and neglectful. I set boundaries, he choose not to let him in if he could not comply respectfully and without drug addiction.

    Please explain to me what has happened. I need to understand.

    Thank you in advance.

    Shirley

  • Nicole says:

    Controling behavior, lying, gaslighting and manipulation. The I am who I am and you just have to deal with it mentality. Instead of growing up and growing together. They just find another person interested in their fake side and move on after destroying a person for no reason

  • Jonea says:

    Narcissists don’t apologise for anything they do wrong. They manipulate with gaslighting, divide and conquer tactics, smear campaigns and other terrible forms of abuse.

  • Amanda says:

    I had never even heard of narcissism until I started googling the different behaviors of my husband. I just wanted to understand what was happening and why he acted that way. I was completely isolated from everyone, criticized constantly, every day I was accused of cheating and lying about it even though I was never allowed to leave the house and couldn’t if I wanted to because I was stripped of EVERYTHING. My job, my vehicle, and my friends and family and my cell phone. I was abused mentally, physically, and emotionally.

  • Samantha says:

    I have experienced it for two years now and seen signs of it approaching but was still shocked when his full blown self came out. My therapist diagnosed me with ptsd, anxiety and grief. Because the man I married doesn’t exist anymore because on top of him being a narcissist, he began using hard drugs as well. So I was experiencing mental, emotional and physical abuse. As soon as a female showed him attention, he went insane. When she broke up with him he began to constantly stalk and torture me because I refuse to be with him. He brags about forcing me about of our home, he lies the most horrific lies about me, but hangs around and respects the ones he is actually describing. He only started playing victim about our child and when he got paperwork for child support, but I’ve lost two jobs due to him putting 8 false charges on me. He immobilized my vehicle, while giving one of his female friends a car, then requested her to text me to tell me about it. He has called cps on me trying to get our child in foster care because he simply does not want me to have him. He has hired multiple people to say that I was prostituting for money and a place to stay, I have lost multiple friends, basically down to me and my kid and two friends. Which is fine but amazed at how he could be so manipulated to make people turn on me for absolutely no reason.

  • Angela Laverick says:

    I have seen narcissism expressed in others as very self serving behaviours. My mother always overtly criticised me. Shelley used to shout horrible things at me and I observed that she gained pleasure at doing this.

  • Angela Laverick says:

    I was the family scapegoat. My mother assigned this role for me at birth. She manipulated, physically and psychologically abused me and destroyed my mental health. When I left at 22 she lodged a smear campaign against me. She always ensured everyone knew I was the “bad One” and manipulated my siblings to look down on me and abuse me. This has gone on for decades.

  • Miss Angela Laverick says:

    Narcissistic people are self centred, selfish cold, people who walk all over everyone to get what they want. They have a total disregard for others, and lack empathy. They do not take responsibility for themselves and project their issues onto others.

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