The Pathology of a Narcissist

The Pathology of a Narcissist

There are no excuses for abuse, though it might be helpful for you to understand some of the reasons why someone might become an abuser.

Your character was shaped by the experiences you went through, the support or lack of support you received, and the duration of those experiences. You made choices out of survival to deal with the challenges that were present in your life, and those choices decided your direction and outlook on life, and in many ways shaped your character.

Your characteristics aren’t set in stone, but patterns set in motion early in life do seem to be hardwired and can take considerable time to loosen up, rewire, and to disidentify from.

At the time of the abuse, the choices you made were more necessities than conscious decisions; nonetheless, they influenced your direction in life.

For example, if you grow up with a verbally and physically abusive mom or dad and your way of dealing with this was to avoid conflict (flight) and anticipate your parent’s moods (please) in order to keep the peace, that will contribute to an overall lack of boundaries, suppressed anger, and likely a continuance of seeking approval from others into adult life, as long as those patterns and the trauma related to your past have not been worked through.

The patterns that a narcissist falls into are a very different category from those described above, though trauma is still the main ingredient.

PTSD Narcissism in Society

There are many ways of looking at narcissism from both a personal point of view– of what the individual went through– and from a collective point of view– of what is transpiring in society on the whole.

Unfortunately, narcissism at large seems to be widely promoted and encouraged. The values of society are to look up to those who are successful, ambitious, and can dominate others. Regardless of our reasoning, our animal instincts of the alpha male or alpha female still prevail.

What this profoundly ingrained and biologically hardwired mindset does is that it encourages narcissism, conflict, being selfish, and having disregard for others.

What might start out as a mild form of narcissism in an individual can grow out of proportion in an environment which nurtures it, such as the many corporations, academic environments, and team sports cultures that have a dog-eat-dog mentality.

If a faulty pattern goes unchecked and even gets applauded, the self-righteousness and sense of accomplishment of a narcissistic individual is further enhanced.

The Pathology of and Dealing with a Narcissist

This brings us to the driving force of a narcissist.

Regardless of whether the trauma was neglect or abuse, whether it was mild or severe, a narcissist can be born. The main driving force of narcissists is feeling inadequate, incompetent, and not worthy, and their sole occupation in life is to prove to themselves and others that they are worthy, adequate and competent.

This strive and ambition are what often makes narcissists very clever, elusive, and accomplished people who are always on the lookout to gain dominance, control, and a sense of achievement, regardless of whether they hurt others in the process. As long as they can hold onto their sense of being special, competent, and in control, their self-indulgent narcissism can thereby continue to cover up their wound– their initial self-image of lack of confidence, inadequacy, and incompetence.

It is not hard to imagine how narcissists can become psychopaths in positions of power given that they are rewarded by society through prestige, power, and money.

In the end, though, behind all the facade, narcissists are like clever little children who refuse to grow up.

Dive deeper into this topic by reading

The Trauma Essential Series

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Comments

  1. Sara  July 18, 2018

    I belong to many online support groups that support survivors, many of the group members relate to their family members as narcs, I understand this as abuse can be understood as labelling the person as a Narc, I can’t help this is misunderstood as there are approximately 2 %of our population are narcissistic .. people unable to regulate and have unresolved trauma can potentially abuse their kids due to not ever getting treatment this can be people from a spectrum of disorders although to belong groups which frame it for victim’s of narcs I believe my abusive mum was BPD , nevertheless extremely abusive

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    • Lorrie Eubanks  July 19, 2018

      less than 2% of the population is diagnosed with NPD, that does not mean that only 2% have NPD. People with NPD typically do not seek therapy or a diagnosis because they are content with the person they are. As for your mother, BPD is also a cluster b personality disorder, more women are diagnosed with BPD more men are diagnosed with NPD.

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  2. Michael  July 18, 2018

    I have found this to be very true, through personal experience. It is just a label though as we all carry narcissistic tendencies. I feel empathy for this person/s as they appear to act unconcious of the pain and fear they cause to their chosen victims. Be it a lack of self-awareness or a inability too acknowledge the trauma that caused the pain and fear in them, it is what makes them what they are. I have observed that they seem to get relief from their anxiety by dominating or belitteling their victim’s. Stress and anxiety seem too trigger the worst of the narcissistic tendencies and the cycle of abuse continues, seemingly without remorse.

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    • Gina  July 19, 2018

      I beg to differ Michael – being the survivor of several myself. They act unconsciously through their pain? Have you actually ever been abused or terrorized by one, or just sitting back in observation of said opinion? Meet a true predator who invades comes into your life to premeditatedly do harm, and see how much empathy you then have. I was raised by one of the best, but even after decades of therapy this one still took me by storm. His modality and his entrance ever so slight, I did not see him coming – and he devoured my life. I am nothing like them, I’ve fought my whole life not to be. I have a heart, compassion, empathy, feelings and care about the welfare of humanity. Pain can be overcome if the coward has the guts, the problem lies in the courage they lack to face their fears, and grow up, and do what it takes. I’ve overcame more than four people, and I’ll survive him too – he will not break my spirit, with his nastiness and impish abuse. I’ve already forgiven him, it has little to do with him anyway — it’s my peace that is has to be restored. I have a great deal of compassion towards my fellow man, but make no mistake, there are monsters out there that fully know what they are doing and do it over and over again. Feel sorry for them if you choose, and excuse they’re behavior away. That’s part of what is wrong with our society — no one is held accountable for anything anymore. He’s in prison now, but I know he’ll be back, he enjoyed what he did to me to much – they always come back for more.

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      • Mary  July 22, 2018

        That sounds like a terrifying experience Gina, my heart goes out to you xx you sound really traumatized by what you have been through. I am praying for you this minute, sending you the best of strength and calm xx that person who is now in jail – you do not need him, he may need you – but strange thing is (and even though you have forgiven him the harm he did you) be assured that you will not be doing HIM any favours by allowing him the opportunity to hurt you again. Maybe he will be a better person, a changed person, when he comes out of jail? Maybe he won’t have changed? Important thing is – YOU have already changed. Your paths crossed but they are not hopelessly entwined. Gina… Be careful xx. Ask your guardian angel to guide you through this. God bless xx Mary

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  3. Ruan  July 18, 2018

    Agreed absolutely. An excellent book on the causes, prevalence, and overcoming of narcissism is A H Almaas’s “The Point of Existence”. What we see, understand, and overcome in ourselves help us to deal with effectively outside ourselves. What we don’t tends to confuse us.

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  4. Ruan  July 19, 2018

    I feel now my previous comment was incomplete and therefore potentially misleading, cannot edit so adding here:
    Some people’s issues are so severe and deep seated, and their connection with their inner essence so minimal, as to make them truly predatory and cruel and dangerous and very unlikely to respond to empathy or humanely. They sometimes have a deeply entrenched dynamic of defenses avoiding anyone or anything appealing to their better nature.
    Any inkling of empathy would force them to face their own pain and they are determined not to.
    Please don’t underestimate the challenge of changing someone’s deep seated patterns and where possible leave that to professionals.
    Please always stay safe or get help or do what is necessary to get help.

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  5. Anonymous  September 4, 2018

    I worked for one and apparently I was somehow a threat to be eliminated. They abuse power and will stop at nothing short of destruction. They are a handful to deal with and so manipulative with threads of truth spun into outrageous lies. They suck up and kick down. They are the opitimy of evil!

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