Childhood Abuse and Neglect: How We Reenact What We Experienced
Written by Roland Bal
Unresolved patterns regarding childhood abuse and neglect are bound to repeat themselves. Even in the face of our best intentions. You can't cheat the unconscious even if you try very hard.
You might have found yourself exhibiting similar behaviour as one of your parents that you have sworn to yourself, as a child, you would never do. And exactly within that promise to yourself is the culprit.
An adult mind is different from a child's mind and how we as children process our experiences. As a child, we are much more dependent on our parents or caregivers for emotional and physical support. When there was abuse going on, acting out anger generally isn't a safe option. It might lead to more severe punishment or emotional shutdown by the parent or abuser present.
Why We Reenact What Was Done to Us
It is at those moments — when we feel overwhelmed and can't act out our rightful anger and disagreement — that we make decisions born out of survival. These might be: to emotionally withdraw and disconnect, to make a statement to oneself of "I will never become like that" or "the world, men or women can't be trusted", or a combination of all of them.
This internal decision is the splitting away from integrity, creating duality and reenactment.
During that period of time, when abuse was going on, you didn't have the capacity to stand up to the situation. You could not act successfully to re-establish your boundaries and safety, hence you chose the next best thing: to survive. You needed to either disconnect or create an opinion about the world or certain people, thereby locking opposing emotions into play.
Residual emotions and reenactment later in life show up as indulgence into patterns or behaviour followed by self-loathing and withdrawing, only to be followed again by further involvement of the same pattern. And this happens on different levels. At the core of it is fear of meeting one's own anger, based on the experiences and the emotional memory we hold onto, that keeps reenactment alive.
Maria grew up with her mother often shouting and belittling her. As a child, she concealed her anger toward herself about her mistreatment for fear of repercussions and instead vented it on her little sister or acted it out as self-harm. As an adult, she has children of her own and she notices how she acts out the same behaviour as her mother — shouting at her kids when she gets stressed. From an adult perspective, she does not want to, but she finds herself impulsively doing it.
While working with her we find out that it is a repeating pattern kept in place by her child-self that hasn't yet faced up to the fear of her mother and the anger she has repressed. As we work with that, somatically and cognitively, her symptoms and relationship with her partner and children start to change for the better.
Why Self-Blame Keeps Resurfacing
Self-judgment is very often present when you suffer from the symptoms of childhood abuse for a long time. Thoughts like: why am I not able to get over this? Why do I still get so worked up? I feel so stupid for still having these reactions. Why didn't I fight or escape the abuse at the time?
Feeling overwhelmed continuously makes one develop a certain set of coping mechanisms. Guilt and self-reproach being one of them. They obscure you from feeling the underlying core emotion fully, while simultaneously allowing it to persist. That is the conundrum. And it makes it difficult to move away from these coping patterns of self-reproach and self-judgment.
Holding Dual Awareness: The Adult and the Child
When your childhood abuse symptoms of anxiety, anger, or sadness get triggered, there are two perspectives present. Your adult self, who feels that the emotional reactions you are having are out of proportion to the situation. And the association taking place through older hurts and emotional residue — your unresolved, vividly emotional childhood memory — still desperately clinging to those parts of the past.
From the perspective of an adult, endowed with more rationality, it is easy to fall into judgment. From a child's emotional perspective, the hurt you are experiencing is viscerally real. The "out of proportion" element is the unresolved emotion from the past, realistically impacting the present.
Can you hold and give value to both perspectives — the adult and child parts of yourself — equally? When you hold both parts equally, without further reacting to your pain through self-reproach and judgment, nor getting overly focused or sinking into the emotional pain, this is where you start to build resilience by staying with what is. That in itself will make the underlying emotion more apparent and available, along with possibly memories related to your personal experience.
What happened to you cannot be changed, but the emotional investment in the past can still be released or integrated. This is the work — not to erase the history, but to meet the patterns it created with enough awareness that they no longer run your life. The survival decisions you made as a child were necessary then. Recognising that they are no longer necessary now — and that the anger underneath them deserves to be met rather than feared — is where reenactment starts to lose its grip. And this is where the attachment bonds that were disrupted early on can begin to be repaired.
40 Comments
I like the dialectical approach of holding equally both the child and the adult perspectives. I have found through personal experience and in working with clients that in order to be able to do this, that the necessary time, patience and unconditional love and acceptance is key. Respect, honesty, reflection, caring, vision, being willing to tolerate distress often takes someone else being a steady witness who is not frightened or put off by emotional reactivity — someone who is well grounded and healthy. Sometimes that person is hard to find.
Well said. Fully agree.
I feel like I am in a never ending prison, I'm dying to get out and live life, I don't know how to. I'm desperate to be free.
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My PTSD is due to years of domestic violence/abuse/control… I did walk away 9 years ago but the last 2 years have taken their toll. I am having my first psychology appointment on Friday and I'm petrified.
I know that feeling Susan — the hardest part is getting into the door. Once you're there, and you realize that it is a safe and loving space, things will start to flow and settle. The fear is normal… the bravery to conquer it and go anyway is what makes you strong!
You will be alright. The first 5 minutes you'll be nervous till you settle in.
Very interesting especially as this is very much something I'm going through at the moment trying to rationalise my feeling deep pain trying to surface! So hard at times.
So am I understanding you to say, that by simply allowing both perspectives to be held without judging or condemning either, it allows both voices to be heard and felt? I can relate to shutting down a triggered response ASAP because it's so damned painful but never acknowledged it as judging or condemning. Am I on track with you?
Holding both perspectives and negating self-judgment is a start into the process of healing. It is moving through the different emotional coping responses. When doing this you might feel more the intensity of the initial hurt(s) which needs addressing then. The difficulty is that when we come close to that we easily feel overwhelmed again and want to disconnect hence we keep pendulating between extremes. The art is to slowly come close to the initial wound to be able to really digest and process it. In the presence of another, who helps holding space, this process will be accelerated.
Yes. I tend to go into guilt and self reproach. I have just discovered that I would punish myself for making "mistakes" just the way she spanked me so hard it left bruises when she was "potty training" me. I was only 2 yet I remember what she did. I'm 42 now. She hurt me for doing something normal and natural — going to the bathroom.
It's been 52 years since I was raped. I just want to let my 7 year old self rest and heal. I have such a great future laid before me. I need the power and the courage and desire to step forward into it. I am really tired.
Roland, I really appreciate your using the term "Dual Awareness" in trauma recovery in this way. Although I have experienced this during meditation practice… I've never heard it applied to inner child/nurturing parent… it makes perfect sense… and a really useful tool. Thank you.
Most welcome!
Shame and guilt are always lurking. I feel like I'm being tortured by my mind almost daily. I was sex trafficked for over 10 years. It started when I turned 17. I still think I should have gotten out of there sooner. I learned my lesson and went back. You don't leave unless they say you can. I'm even constantly looking over my shoulder since I was 17.
Thanks for sharing Jinni.
Thank you so much for posting this today. This is exactly the state I found myself in this week at my counselling appointment… beyond reproach. It is such a confusing feeling having both adult reaction and child reaction at the same time. Nice to know it is actually a normal reaction to past experience and present triggers… now to get it under control.
Welcome. I hope your current therapist knows how to work with this constructively.
Lots of guilt and sadness. It's very difficult when people treat you like you're not good enough and that it's wrong to feel what you're feeling at any given time. I have always felt like the odd one out… there are days when it's so challenging but one has to push through.
Wow, Roland, your description of the dual perspectives is spot on and oftentimes I am aware of each one. For me, self reproach is more evident, but is no longer a huge issue because the parts mainly work together now, as best as possible, given the age differences.
I have a hard time accepting the abuse. I've been in therapy for a year. Was referred to a trauma specialist… but she's leaving in August. I feel I will never get through trauma processing. So frustrating to be on a timetable. I've enjoyed your articles.
My father was someone who was always quiet when in the house and I have found myself sometime just to go silent in the presence of my family, though I know its bad.
This describes the situation as I know it.
I think, for me, it would be what I call "flash anger" or "0 to 60 anger". My mother did this as well. It happens (less now) when I am challenged, and maybe for other reasons, but I can't think of any just now.
We were discussing this in our women's class at church. The women who have children all admitted they play out what they experienced with one or both of their parents on their children. Of course, I'm perfect because I'm single and I don't have any children to mess up! Joking aside; I've had to do a lot of inner child work because Little Darlene was controlling my life. Whenever mother and my aunt argued it seemed to me it was always over me. It made me very angry as a child and caused me to do a lot of work as an adult. I like the article. Thank you!
There has been awful generational trauma and addiction in my family. My own struggle has included a massive breakdown around age 40 after a ten year court battle, trying to protect my daughters from their abusive father, my ex. Those daughters grew up, one had kids, married an abusive man and within 4 years was addicted to heroin. Her daughters suffered a lot of trauma. They have been out of her custody for 3 years. The last two years they have been with me. They are 11 and 7. Both have C-PTSD and it's especially hard to deal with, with the older one. I see a lot of re-enactment. When she isn't triggered she is a sweet, kind, loving girl but this past year there have been increasingly disruptive, rageful and violent behavior. I said all of that to say as the 60 year old grandmother dealing with this do you have any advice.
I believe kids need to feel they are worthy and deserving of love and joy and belonging. Encouragement to talk about what they feel even if it's uncomfortable, consequences for bad behavior but in a 'not yet', 'where/why/what did you feel', 'I am here, we can work it out together' way. Connectedness — when something embarrassing happens or shameful or regretful, tell them a story of yours that's similar to show you've been there and that it's normal and human. They'll respect that eventually. Good luck.
Hi Patti, I don't know if this helps but as a teen I would often act out because of trauma. Something that has always helped me keep my head on and stay calm is music. Over time I've learnt to somewhat regulate my emotions and behaviour; by just listening to my favourite tunes.
I tend to re-enact by becoming attracted to and attract relationships with people with addiction issues… my parents were addicts. I had to do a lot of care taking for them… and now I have become aware I do the same thing with such people now as an adult.
I have realised after reading Maria's story just like she was still trying to work out how to deal with her anger, I am still trying to work out how to have boundaries with problematic people.
…me too, Terry.
I get angry and upset at times and feel like I can't trust men. I am too scared.
My anger today always feels threatening to me. I see now how the feeling of anger always takes me to my mother's narcissistic and sexual abuse. My association to that makes me more angry than a situation might call for because I tell myself I won't be abused like that again. Then, I seem to reinfect myself with the past. This article helps shift my focus. I'm learning how to honor anger and use it to identify my boundaries and make changes.
Happy to hear it's been of help.
Wow — Well this one IS me. I don't know if you get these still — but Wow. I have to buy your books. I was belittled, guilted, shamed, forced to do — forced to get, then beat up for it — you name it. I was either feeling everything or nothing and it still persists. I have such a difficult time with emotions. This Roland seems insurmountable. I live now basically in hiding. I react with people over and over even after 25+ years of conventional therapy. I have had some very good therapists too. The last one abandoned me. I'm sure I made it happen. He did not help. I want to be well so badly. I've worked so very hard. Somehow I found your work. There must be a reason. I'm so tired of the repeating of the patterns — and having no life. Thank you Roland.
Still working through grief loss childhood sexual abuse domestic violence abuse. I've been working on this for years and still struggle with feeling frozen. I can't make friends. Trust is hard. Socially awkward. Learning to accept in my older age.
I get frustrated and angry with myself and at the child (me) for not getting over it and blame myself. So the guilt and self reproach would rise its ugly head. I was trying to runaway from the reality of what the child went through. Now I give the child my protection, understanding and acceptance. Learning to love them heals you too. It's hard and exhausting and trying to change long standing beliefs that people have forced on you. I just have to remember that the only person who can change me is me. So taking responsibility for myself and building boundaries to protect all my trauma selves isn't selfish. It's paramount to recovery. I am learning to ignore the internal voices of self reproach and constant criticism. I used to do anything for someone to acknowledge, accept and love me, unconditionally. Only to find out, that the only love you need is from yourself.
I never wanted children. I'm nearing 40 and finally realized it's probably because I'm terrified of repeating the pattern. I'm the youngest in a large family. The sibling closest in age to me always took her anger at my mom out on me. She is an addict and lost her kids because of her drug use. They are still in the foster system. I'm glad her kids may not grow up the way we did.
I was abused as a child then married a man that was very abusive. Then onto the next abusive husband. I now find myself being the abuser to a very good man that I am in a relationship with.
I understand it wasn't my fault but I can't stop hating myself. I was sexually abused from the age of 3 until my early adulthood. My mind knows something's not right.
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