Self-Sabotage and Trauma: Why Survival Patterns Override Your Intentions
Written by Roland Bal
Self-sabotage is most of the time not intentional, though it is extremely frustrating. On the one hand, you want to change, but a part of you seems to be holding you back. When things are not going your way you might either get angry with yourself — for not achieving what you set out to achieve — or project your frustration onto others and blame them.
Self-sabotage is most of the time not intentional, though it is extremely frustrating.
Signs of Self-Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships
Sabotage can come in many forms and can be very evident at times, or be more subtle. Relationships are the area where it becomes most apparent. It is not that you intentionally try to hurt the other person or wreck the relationship — it is that you have default survival patterns that come to the foreground because you are having to act in relationship with someone.
For example, and this is just one possibility, your spouse might have to go on a trip for business or family reasons, and this, unconsciously, threatens you because you were neglected and felt abandoned as a child. Closer to your spouse's trip you get angry, throw tantrums, become accusative, and even get headaches — all in an attempt to prevent that trip from happening.
The reactions that come out of your conditioned survival patterns are often disproportionate to circumstance. To make things worse, you and your partner will possibly trigger each other and feel activated, project onto each other, and continuously cycle into blame, guilt, shame, self-reproach, and self-righteousness. When you are calm, however, your behaviour actually reflects your love and affection for your other half.
It is as if you have multiple parts within you that are fighting for dominance and conflicting with each other. In counselling sessions I often refer to this as the adult part, which sees clearly what you want and in which direction you want to move, and the child part within you, which, because of your traumatic experiences, has other objectives: mainly keeping you safe and alive. It is these two parts that are in conflict with each other.
Self-Sabotaging Thoughts and Actions
The other major area of self-sabotage is when you have certain intentions or things to do but somehow you are not able to start them, break off halfway through, lose interest, have bouts of amnesia and forgetfulness, or freeze up in the process.
You might be fully conscious of not wanting to persist with a certain action because your anxiety mounts, and so you channel your energy into superficial occupations — YouTube, social media, over-organising, ruminating endlessly, getting focused on less important things, cleaning, and so on. The avoidance itself feels almost productive at times, which is part of how it sustains itself.
Self-sabotage might also happen on a more unconscious level, in which you get physical reactions or even illnesses that prevent you from reaching your goals and completing your intentions.
What Causes Self-Sabotage in Relationships and Life
As said earlier, there are different parts within you that have conflicting interests. It is those conflicting interests that contribute to self-sabotage.
While your intentions might be sound and clear, the child part within you might perceive a new direction as threatening. That child part sits deeper in the brain. That part of you was created when your nervous system was still developing, and so it has a lot more power and force than your conscious adult intentions. You can try to overcome it through force of will, but it will almost always take the upper hand, because those reactions are tied in with survival.
Secondary to this is that you hold two states of mind simultaneously. One part of you says "yes" and another part of you says "no" — and so you are not sending out a clear signal to yourself, to others, or to the world. What comes back to you, then, is dissonance, which can further contribute to not getting where you want to be.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging in Relationships and Yourself
How to stop self-sabotaging isn't as easy as telling yourself to not do it.
First of all, you have to become aware that you have different parts of yourself that have different objectives. If you can validate both parts of you, then that helps you to stop fighting with yourself. You can then genuinely give your attention to both parts in an attempt to align your intentions. The child part is not the enemy — it is the part of you that kept you alive through something the adult version of you may not even fully remember.
Once you are not further engaging in conflict with your self-sabotage, you will have the energy to observe yourself. Observing yourself is crucial in working through the deeper fear patterns that are preventing you from making significant changes.
In which ways are you aware of how you self-sabotage? Leave your comment below.
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48 Comments
I'm being treated for bipolar mood disorder with mania and aggression and ADHD. I'm a very broke single mother and I've learned a couple of things through the past few years of self sabotage: 1) When you're down….GET UP!! You allow yourself for one minute to wallow in that self pity and it will keep you down and eat you. GET UP!! 2) Every little bit counts. Every little bit is never enough. Do more! It's a crazy mixed reversed psychology I use on myself. It works for me.
Resilience, circumstance, context, in addition to slightly different epigenetic variance enabled me to (very barely) survive several adverse childhood events, while my younger brother by 19 months and only sibling I grew up with did not (he completed suicide at 23). I have worked hard and had the good fortune of having excellent mentorship over the years. I have been in a (mostly smooth, following early marital counseling) stable marriage of 24 years. I have been working toward a doctoral degree in sociocultural anthropology since 2006. I have finished all coursework requirements, conference presentations, field research, and interview transcripts in 2014. Now that it's time to write up this ethnographic project, I find myself in complete self-sabotage mode. I just can't seem to sit and write. I seem to insist on editing whilst writing; each sentence must be acceptable and properly cited before moving to the next. It's so frustrating. I have made, and been utterly unable to meet, several self-imposed deadlines to my research committee co-chairs these past few years. That I'm fighting myself totally resonates and aligns well in terms of describing my present situation. Any suggestions, Mr. Bal?
Yes. I do. I have learned from a therapist to take my inner child in my arms. To look at her, feel her pain and to be there with her and love all what is. Now I can see or feel my struggles and go in and feel, feel, feel without thinking. And after that I take the feelings with me in my heart and there is love and kindness for those feelings. And there is space for other feelings too! It feels great! In thoughts every time I thank my therapist for her words; Take your inner child in your arms. And there are times I can't and I survive.
Trauma is so big that it seems like we have become blind to it. When you are in self-sabotage mode, hold yourself there for a moment. Don't try to force yourself to work or divert your attention into the superficial. Connect with the feeling of self-sabotage without further judging it. See how it feels, the texture of it, where it sits in the body. It will likely feel like resistance, avoidance, a not wanting. Now track that feeling and ask yourself: "What is it that I don't want to come close to?" Ask it honestly without trying to figure out the answer with your thoughts. The intention is to connect with the underlying emotion of avoidance. If you can get this far, you will connect with the deeper pain, and that likely has elements of fear connected to it (hence the avoidance). Think of fear of failure, rejection, feeling inadequate, a trauma of embarrassment. If you can connect with that and give space and containment to that, you are starting to make headway and dealing with your self-sabotage, but on a very profound level.
Inner child therapy or voice dialogue?
Hi Eve, When you suffer you naturally want to get away from it, be done with it, get rid of it, or overcome it. It is a natural response because you feel constantly overwhelmed and hence suffer. The "getting rid-off response" is a dissociative response and simultaneously keeps the very pain that you want to avoid in place. It is more about embracing the child part within you and holding the space for that part, which is you, in order to process the emotional residual charge that is in the past and continued in the present moment. Once you start to get more containment to hold the upsetting emotion in awareness, the energy of emotion starts to flow into presence.
Finding the right person/therapist can be a frustrating process and I wish I could give you a clear answer to your question. Your best bet is to see if he/she has some work published with which you resonate and go from there. That work should include experience with complex trauma and in my understanding, incorporate some form of a somatic or presencing approach.
What do you look for in a therapist or search for? I've been through quite a few and still haven't found one that meets these needs?
It really depends on the level of expertise of your counsellor/therapist.
Someone who is trained in trauma informed care!
I so relate to what you are saying Eve. I like Roland's reply about processing emotional residue. Even so, at 52, I know intimately the ongoing feelings of bitter sorrow and regret for what might have been, had I not been so badly abused, neglected, blamed and abandoned as a young child. For instance, I was unable to sustain a relationship with a healthy person and I was not able to have children as a result, until it was too late for me. Yet I am still in touch with my very deep maternal instinct as I witness all kinds of other awful abusive people being parents, and it makes me sick inside.
I now understand that my symptoms will remain for life, it's just about how to manage them when they come up, and remembering as best I can what is likely to set the stage for a spiral. Lately I am having some anxiety and fear around security because my employment situation is changing, and my mother has terminal cancer. Normally this would be enough to do me in. This time I am making an extra effort to stay inside my body with yoga (though I trained as a yoga teacher 10 years ago, my practice is on and off because I have a very hard time being consistent, and this too is a form of self sabotage, knowing what helps and heals and then avoiding it). These days when I am really feeling awful, I have been trying to breathe very gently into my heart, and visualize the soft energy connecting with the back of my brain. It doesn't always work of course, but you know, we survivors do what we can. I hope you have a better day, today Eve. Sending you good thoughts.
Katie, I have been to one and all in the past. I stumbled on a new option of therapist purely by chance. The difference – assertiveness, she really focused and listened (passionate about her role). Good luck sifting though all your options – it's like looking for a needle in a haystack!
I think that the question: 'How do I lose my inner child' will create a negative turmoil. You don't get rid of your parts… healing comes by welcoming them all and see the good intention of each part. If the part is trusting you (the adult) it don't have to scream so hard anymore (internal family systems).
One of the strategies I do and have others do as well is become the type of parent to the inner child, which I lacked. I tell myself that as a child I could not handle _____________, but as an adult I can. For example, as a child I could not handle the 700 mile move from my grandparents, I felt no control, no say, no nothing, but as an adult, I feel grief and loss and reflect on how. I feel those emotions for the first time whereas I had to internalize everything and accept it when I clearly did not.
I gave my inner child a voice, a pen and paper and let her have her say. She had a lot to say!! My little child still strops and shouts and sabotages and I have to remember to be Mum to her which I forget sometimes and then she creates chaos!
Well said. Thx for sharing.
HOW do I lose the inner child and the over powering survival mode emotion. I have had enough of being dominated by my past, a consequence for a choice I was powerless to control. I am nearly 50 years old, I have researched; been to countless therapists etc and yet still I am negatively ruled by my f@cking past! When does this stop? When will I unlock these shackles that control every aspect of my life so that I can live the remainder of my life like a 'normal' human? Enough is enough..
Eve, Hi, I am in the same place, and I can't give you any advice that will make your life better, all I can say is, we just have to keep on searching, asking questions and make a point to start to heal. I turned 50 in Jan and I also just seem to do the same old stuff over and over again, despite wanting to change and even trying. Be strong, I do believe there is hope.
The searching will never end, I believe that now. I had hope when I realized WHY and have used every last energy cell to grow and learn my way through, to no avail. I have the most beautiful Disney smile and known to be the happiest woman ever, until I go home to a house as empty as my aching lonely heart. I know I will never hold down a relationship after so many failed attempts and have accepted I am a miserable outcast purely surviving and waiting to die. It angers me so much that I have been robbed of the life I deserve. My anger, victim mode and defense my greatest enemy but it hangs on like a leech. Nice to read these articles though, at least they highlight why I am such a fuck up and I can justifiably lay blame, – for what it's worth.
Hi Eve & Martin, I too have been shackled to my abusive childhood, I tried the whole 'Joyce Meyer' forgiveness routine, but was hurt even more, so I ended up inviting more trauma & chaos not just into my life, but into my kids lives. One thing I do know that helped me is understanding my coping mechanism as a child became problematic behaviour as an adult, so knowing this I was able to be more aware of it, specifically with dissociating and anxiety. I had a therapist help me learn to sit with the memories in a safe space OFTEN, until they didn't have the impact on me so much anymore. Don't get me wrong, last week I had to go into hospital with pneumonia & asthma, I could barely breathe, I had a panic attack that sent me tachy cardiac because I'm terrified to be around people I don't know when I'm vulnerable ie: sick.
Hi Julie. I can relate on so many levels. My anxiety, anger, frustration and cynicism affects every friendship, personal relationship and family relationship and it only compounds my negative self image further, especially after I take such great pains to be aware and conscious of not acting "the victim", in fact I am the master of disguises when I'm with anyone! I have taken note of your experience as it is not something that has been suggested yet. In fact of all the therapists I have been to, not ONE has ever asked me to verbalise my incidents, ever. To this day I have never uttered a word to anyone and would not know how. Maybe the opportunity/person will come around, I don't know? Thanks for that.
You're not a fuck up. The fact that you've lived to tell the tale and are aware of the patterns means you've already overcome great obstacles. More power to you! Keep on truckin'.
Hello Eve. I have worked through an awful lot, including a covert narcissist spouse of 20 years. I came through it, but don't know how. I felt that my entire self was in pain, even my soul. I share that now, only because I can say I have worked through the forgiveness..mostly. I also learned that that does not mean I have to invite those people back into my life, and I don't. It was difficult, but necessary to set healthy boundaries. Everyone takes a role in the family, and I was the "sick one", who didn't question, just did what everyone told me to. It wasn't until my 50s that I saw how abusive some were. So much work, but feel I'm prevailing..finally.
Recovering my faith was also paramount, and attending an Unbound conference, where I learned of the evil that can be placed upon us. One last, and very important piece was the power of being able to write out or verbalize to a trusted counselor or friend, who is comfortable (some aren't). So, seek a trustworthy friend, and Christ is ready, when you are 🙂 Be well. Blessings!
Hi Eve & Martin, I am on my trauma healing journey too. A bit left field but my Buddhist practice of chanting Nam myoho renge kyo and engaging with the community has really helped me find power over my life. Over the last 7 years of practice, I have been able to cut my narcissistic family off, focus on my own healing and found my dream job. The road is still a lot of work but I feel like as I keep doing my practice it opens up avenues I could never have imagined before. This gives me eternal hope and I believe that I will indeed build a life of happiness beyond all imagination.
If you are curious – sgi.org or sgi-usa.org depending on where you live. I wish you all the healing and joy in your lives. <3
I feel the same sometimes. You are not alone. Our illness is not our fault but yet we carry so much guilt. Prayers for you 🙏 if it wasn't for the good Lord I wouldn't be here today. At least we have hope of a pain free body and mind one day. A perfect body ❤
I really get frustrated, too. I relate to so much of what you write! I get therapy when I can afford it, do self-therapy regularly using books, etc. but changing this aspect of myself is a very long slog.
At 58, I have lived with doctors medicating me for anxiety and depression. Finally, about 5 years ago, after being hospitalized for an attempted suicide, I was diagnosed with complex trauma from abuses experienced from childhood through my mid-forties. Lately, I have been struggling with depression so badly. I am dealing with dark thoughts, that I will not go through with, because of my love for my family, but I can't seem to control the thoughts. I feel so locked up inside. So lost and painful. I don't know how to break those locks. What do I do.
Hi Charlene. Please go through all the resources on the website. If you can, purchase a copy of the trauma essentials. If you want to dig a little deeper, consider the trauma care meditations or working with one of the counsellors of this site. Healing from trauma is a tough road to take. Don't give up! Go with the little steps.
Has anyone heard of or tried NLP therapy? Neuro Linguistic Programming, basically rewiring the emotional pathways that we have followed since young. I've heard of it working for one person but that's all I've heard about it at all, doesn't seem to be widely known.
Holy meow, I really needed exactly this article in my life right now! I am stuck at work and cannot bring myself to make any kind of progress on my projects. Thank you so much!
Eve, as some have recommended a good therapist and inner child work can help immensely with this. I do (as a client and as a therapist) Internal Family Systems, and it has been the most helpful therapy.
One thing that jumped out about your question was the idea of losing that inner child. IFS doesn't judge or try to counter that inner child, but all parts are welcome. They need to learn that you are now safe, and the things they did to protect you aren't needed anymore. But your inner child doesn't need to leave, just heal.
Thank you for your input Jesse. Since these posts I have done a little more research and have begun to address new suggested ways to work on certain areas that require a different approach to overcome. Just sharing was a great start and my attitude has improved dramatically. I have found a new local therapist, however I won't be able to see her for a while but it's a start and just the 'thought' of a new and highly recommended therapist excites me – HOPE! I am already feeling more confident and this has allowed me to open my mind a little more, enabling me to explore and begin tackling issues differently. Slow but sure is the answer. I am very grateful that I discovered Roland's very helpful guidance.
Uuuugh this reiterated my self sabotage tendencies. Which tells me I need more work. Which means I need to push harder with more determination than ever to stop this behavior.
That was a way I wasn't fully looking at so makes sense.
I recently tried EMDR and it freed me from a particular incident memory that haunted me from my childhood.
Hurts inflicted when we were powerless (as a child) manifest themselves as powerlessness (as an adult) to similar situations. Know that every little step is a step in the right direction and that courage comes from knowing that facing fear is worth the cost.
Very insightful
This is the second time I read this post. For some reason it didn't stick the first time. I have always been aware of the two parts, but wrote it off as an evil part of me that was trying to kill me. Like a self annihilating force. And I mean force. I have to force myself to take care of myself, no really, drinking water, taking meds, exercising, anything that has to do with taking care of myself. I struggle with that EVERY day, all day long, and to divert my attention from that I do useless things that just take up time. What an eye opener, to be able to bring understanding to a lifelong issue. It isn't solved yet, but it IS a new day, a brighter day, just knowing.
I'm not surprised to read posts of the impact of adults living with childhood trauma. I relate as well. I've experienced all things others mention. The rotating hospital door in psych wards, meds, self-harm response and on it goes for me. My story not unique. At 53yrs old I learnt new words … disassociate, hyper vigilance, hyperarousal, triggers and a few more. I met a suitable psychologist of course as a result of crisis and over 3 years my mind began to unravel. I've lived in my mind all of my life it seems. Don't know when it happened but I slowly grounded in real time. I wasn't prepared. My fury had faded I didn't know how to protect myself I was vulnerable to this real world. I did feel relief to not have fury. The wave of identity loss and who am I? Assistance I have now medical, community services, OT to manage (my mind) has given me the vision to live. My day is VERY structured. To the half hour. I have less chaos, less need to be busy, gaining an understanding of where 'thoughts' belong, less medication, I feel some things emotionally. I'm still learning to manage my mind. I want to live.
My husband is a contractor and with the isolation and remote working during COVID shutdowns I was experiencing difficulties in my relationship. Once he lost his job and was home all the time (I work remotely) and our arguing, his name calling is horrible, began to escalate all day long, I just wanted to escape. So one day he got in my face and I triggered. My step-father, one of my main abusers, is also a contractor and when he didn't work the abuse increased exponentially and so did the violence.
I had it in my head that the aggressive stance my husband was taking and the little push here and there was going to increase to severe physical violence. I have lied repeatedly throughout our relationship so I won't hear his disapproval or feel rejection. Now, my relationship is trashed, there is no trust, I haven't ever shared my feelings with him and I just react and blame him for everything. I am 45 years old and was abused verbally and physically until I escaped at age 18.
Thanks for sharing.
I notice that I become very insecure when my wife goes away on a trip, which I can link intellectually with trauma over my mom going away when I was a kid. (This was shortly after my dad left our family, and where my mom was going was actually to the psyche ward). I often act out in different ways when my wife goes away. I can understand it with my mind, but the trauma, and the coping behaviour are deeply rooted, and I have a lot of trouble living in accordance with my intellectual understanding of the situation.
Hello! Has anyone here tried Dialectical Behavioural Therapy? I bought myself a workbook. I have found sometimes that the best teacher is myself. I have books I've read on chakra openings and reiki. Alternative ways of medicine can be helpful if you believe in the process. I am going through a lot and I can tell that my inner child is screaming inside me. It makes my anxiety through the roof. I have experienced many very traumatic things from age 5 to 28, my age now. I can still feel myself going back to the survival coping mechanisms but I am ruining everything around me slowly. I was hurting myself, self medicating with alcohol and drugs which just made all the things I was feeling that much worse.
Hi Stephanie, I am a bit late but I learned when dealing with complex trauma symptoms, you really have to have the right therapist and teacher or it will cause further trauma. I attended a DBT class for six months, it did nothing for me. I would more so suggest finding some support while doing the book yourself and you would go a lot further. DBT is a great tool but its not something you just pick up from reading it or attending the class.
It's helpful to accept both conflicting sides. I'm on the web looking for articles like this because here I am, doing it again. Success for me as a child led to humiliation and punishment. I'm a high achiever and have achieved some pretty incredible goals but I usually either destroy my achievement after it's done or am unable to go the extra few inches to complete a project that promises to be amazing. Then I might rebuild the whole thing again but on a lesser scale where it's less noticeable. It's totally frustrating. Yet fleeing back to the familiar is so natural. Failure feels safe. However there is the possibility of creating and strengthening new neural pathways where success feels good and safe. Sometimes I find that my inner child demands I revisit a trauma in a new and deeper way and meditate on it and imagine my now-self swooping in and crushing my abuser and protecting my little child-me. Love yourselves people. That's the only way out.
I have engaged in self sabotage again and this time it cost me my dream job and a great relationship. And now my teeth are in jeopardy. It's awful and I still don't know how I am going to recover.
I find this website very useful. My current problem is I can feel positive and have very little anxiety for weeks, and then my brain will question my thinking and feelings of safety, and keeps pushing until I then fixate on a feeling of deep anxiety. I find the speed in which the anxiety can take hold very upsetting, as I've made so much progress with EMDR. I had a narcissistic father and was subjected to his constant mood swings as a child from affection to angry shouting. Never knew where I stood and was always on edge.
Thank you for your comment.
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